when I saw him.

Hi there, I know I haven’t written a word for ages! Sorry for that… being a blogger is not an easy task.

However I have several things to talk about but I am going to write about the most important thing that happened in my life in the last three days.

I was feeling down and confused about my feelings. I finished a long relationship several months ago and I was looking for a new relationship. I believe I am ready for it. However, during these months, I haven’t found any connection with anybody. I was feeling as a part of a gay game in which few people win and most of them waste their time waiting for the charming prince. And  I was in this group. I have no idea how many hours I spent checking scruff and grindr, waiting for the message that nobody wanted to send me.

On Friday night (today is Tuesday), I went to a friend’s house for dinner. I like him, he likes me but he ended a long relationship a month ago and he is still in pain. I understand him… I tried to help him but the only medicine is time. We had a great night. We had a great Saturday. We went to the beach with his dogs; we went to an art exhibition where his father was showing his paintings; we watched a movie; we slept together.

The beautiful Saturday finished and I went to another dinner (a bbq) with some friends. After midnight, although I did not want, we went to a gay bar. I accepted it because I did not want to be alone that night.

The bar was as always: people wandering, dancing, drinking, smoking and checking their grindr profiles.

At two in the morning, my friend and his girlfriend asked me if I wanted to leave with them. All of us were exhausted… I was going to leave with them but some strange feeling made me change my opinion. I said good night to them and I continued dancing.

I remember the song. All the lovers. Kylie Minogue. And I remember those blue eyes. Immediately I knew why I chose to stay longer. “Hello”, he said with his strong Irish accent. “My name is Patrick”. Hi Patrick I replied. And I replied because I felt he was different. And he was.

We agreed to grab a beer on Monday night. And we had not one but two beers because we both were driving our cars. We talked a lot; we laughed; we dreamed; we cried; we were in silence. After several hours, our night finished. We walked to the cars and our hands touched each other in a sudden movement. It was the signal to awake those butterflies that were sleeping for years inside my body. And the most beautiful kiss that I have received in years came, like the most wonderful rainbow appears after the heavy storm.

The colourful tent

Some months ago, I needed help. That help which probably nobody can give you. It is the help to a person who, in the middle of everybody, feels alone. The situations which drove me to feel alone are a topic for another post.

It was middle of March when I went to the market. I was determined to come out and I remembered there was a colourful tent that was promoting LGBT rights. I crossed in front of it several times. I thought people were watching my movements if I was next to the tent. However, something stronger inside me prompted me to go and ask about LGBT activities. A very nice and kind man in his forties and his partner, welcomed me and told me about several groups and places to share with people with my same interests. I received some leaflets, but one of them caught my attention. It was about an organisation which provides specialist services to gay people including free counselling. You know, when you are a PhD student and you do not work, you want to keep all the money you have.

When I left the tent, I felt I had achieved a big goal in my life: to ask in a public place, about LGBT activities and “get involved in it”. I was happy… and the life continued without noticing it.

The next step was to make an appointment. The best way was to send an email. And I did it. Unfortunately, the email went to the spam folder (because I knew after several weeks) and I could not make an appointment that week, nor the week after, nor the following one. At the end I rang and a friendly lady gave me my appointment.

I was anxious. And the day came. It was a cold windy afternoon. I remember it.  I remember it because i wanted to tell the counselor that I was tired, I wanted to come out, I wanted to have a partner who fulfill my desires and other things.

The house was big and quite old. But “friendly” and warm. I had to wait in the living room. Pictures about gay families, books about gay stories, flags and rainbows adorned the walls of the room. Suddenly the door was opened…  And I saw him: The counselor.  A guy in his late twenties, tall, bearded, blonde-ginger, with the most perfect face, my prototype.

(to be continued)

 

Secrets are heavy

It is the first time that I am doing this. After many years I ‘ve decided to share some private things with you, a person whom I don’t know. However I want to feel released… I have many things inside me that make my life very heavy.

I was born almost 38 years ago… (ouch! 38! it is a long time ago!) However I don’t feel I am old; it “hurts” when a younger person calls me “Sir”.  I remember that I used to say that an “old man” was that one who was 25! Ok, the fact is that I am 13 years older than the age which was old for me when I was a child. And it is the issue for this post… my age.

I am a successful professional. I am independent. I am healthy. I am mature. People say I am handsome. I have achieved all the desires that I had. I am in the way to achieve the new ones. I am doing a PhD. I am living in another country. I am speaking another language (and I learnt it less than three years ago). I had a “long relationship” that finished a month ago (Ok, it is not true… it finished many months ago but we did not want to accept it). I am friend with my ex-partner. And I am gay.

Although all my close friends know I am gay, I feel i am still living in the closet. I want to come out and this is a nice way to do it. I am tired of hiding my feelings… I want to feel free to live with a partner without any fear of being criticised… I want to be strong enough to walk next to my partner and give him a hug or a kiss if I want to do it, at any time, in any place…

I was writing that the problem was my age. I feel it is. I am “ashamed” because younger people were stronger than me and could came out several years ago. Although comparisons are not good, I see them living a happier life, with no concerns… with no fears, with no “heavy secrets”.

I think it is not easy to tell everybody I am gay. I don’t know why I find it difficult. Probably it is because i don’t want to be bullied like I was when I was in primary and secondary school. It was a very hard time… however I did not share my feelings with others and I believe I overcame it with success. Of course, things were not perfect because, at the age of 38, I still feel afraid of other people’s comments.

I reckon living a real life makes it more interesting and exciting. I want to live with passion and the secret of it, is to accept who I am. Interestingly, the concept that I have of my life has changed in the last 10 minutes… I feel proud of myself; I feel proud of being gay; I feel proud of the life I am living. And I want to do this change because one of the failures in my former relationship, was that I hadn’t accepted my feelings. I will give me the opportunity of living the life in the correct way… and this is the first step.

R.

 

PS: remember about the errors and mistakes. I apologise if you find some. I’ve explained the reason in my first post: https://icantthinkofaniceblogtitle.wordpress.com/2014/07/31/this-is-my-first-post/

This is my first post

Hi.

I woke up this morning with an idea: The idea of starting a blog; the idea of starting a blog, in which I express my thoughts, interesting enough to continue writing.

There are some issues that I have to overcome. First of all, I want to feel more confident of my English. It is not my mother language and I am not sure how good I can write. I started to learn English almost three years ago and, although I’ve done it well, I believe it is not enough. I apologise if I have errors or mistakes in my writing… If you find them, I will really appreciate your feedback.

Secondly, I want to find a niche for this personal website. There are millions of topics and ideas, and it will be very nice finding a great place for this blog. I hope do not spend a lot of time doing it.

Lastly, I have to organise my time to write here. I feel I am very busy doing my PhD and I think I have no time for doing other things. However I guess it is not true. I suppose all bloggers have similar situations.

Probably I will start writing short posts but, I expect to write longer ones very soon.

Bye!

R.

btw, writing this first post was an interesting activity!